Romancing the Idiot

by Matt Benoit

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, it’s time once again to look in the mirror and ask yourself: Am I really that ugly?

Hah hah hah! I’m just kidding. I think.

Anyway, what I meant to say was, it’s time to look in the mirror and ask yourself what you’re going to get that significant other of yours on the most romantic day of the year.

Of course, I know some of you out there may not have a “significant other,” and that’s perfectly okay.

If that’s the case, then just do what you normally do, and stay home by yourself, crying into a half-gallon of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream while you watch “Sleepless in Seattle” and “You’ve Got Mail,” or their lesser-known sequels, “Wired in Walla-Walla” and “You’ve Got Herpes.” Or, [JUST INSERT THE NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE ROMANTIC MOVIE HERE].

But for those of you who aren’t desperate and alone, I—the self-proclaimed “Lord of Love,” “Ruler of Romance,” and “MVP of STDs”—am here to give you some top-notch romantic advice, even though the only time I get to share saliva with a female is when she asks for a sip from my water bottle.

First up, let’s hit the mailbag for someone desperately needing my help:

Q: Hi, Matt, I can’t figure out what to give my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day. He and I have been fighting a lot, and now when he tells me he’s “got his eye on me,” he says it with a menacing glare and then makes a cutting motion across his neck with his index finger. What should I do?

–Lovely and Frightened

A: Well, Lovely, for many like yourself, there’s no better gift than a restraining order. It not only says “stay the hell away from me you disgusting creep,” but threatens real legal action if he comes within 500 feet of you!

If your relationship is still going smoothly, however, there are plenty of wonderful things you can do.

For instance, it’s a great thing to charm your lady or man with a romantic song, especially a song that is at least partially sung in a pleasant-sounding foreign language, preferably Spanish. Here’s a great one:

“Usted mentira, el engaño hijo de puta, espero que sufren una muerte lenta y agónica a manos de animales hambrientos, carnívoros.”

Roughly translated, this means “You lying, cheating bastard; I hope you suffer a slow, agonizing death at the hands of hungry, carnivorous animals.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Matt, don’t hungry, carnivorous animals have paws and not hands?”

Well, technically, yes. But this is not the point.

The point is that while I don’t condone cheating, even if your man doesn’t cheat, he will look.

It is a basic fact of life that all heterosexual men look at other women. Take it from me; I’m a guy. Ladies, if your man tells you that he only has eyes for you, he is either A) lying to you, B) Legally blind, or C) Lying to you about being legally blind. There are no other possibilities.

Another thing that many women seem to like this time of year are romance novels. I use the term “novels” loosely, however, because most “romance novels” are less like novels and more like imaginative pornography with plotlines and feelings.

Recently in the book section at Wal-Mart, I saw a book titled (this is true), “Annie and the Red Hot Italian.”

I did not pick up the novel and look at it, but I imagine this is the type of book that has a synopsis on the back cover of the dust jacket that simply reads “Annie gets a taste of…well, we think you know.”

It also probably has critics’ reviews that look something like these:

“Wonderfully arousing.” –The New York Times Book Review

“A total literary shagfest.” –The London Times

“Hot damn!” –Former U.S. President Bill Clinton

“This is a vile and disgusting novel, but I loved every minute of it!”-Oprah Winfrey

“I’m glad Annie enjoyed our steamy little ‘situation.’ Maybe we could hook up again sometime. Call me Annie!” –Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino

Whispering romantic phrases to your partner is another great thing to do. You can utter many kinds of sweet-nothings, including “You complete me,” “You’re my everything,” and of course, a Mel Gibson favorite, “I will bury you in the rose garden.”

My personal favorite, however, is “I can’t live without you.”

This is because it is not realistic. Look, if you can’t live without someone, you either have a serious dependency issue or you’re a conjoined twin who shares a vital organ with the other person. If it’s neither of those two things, then shut up—I think you’ll manage to survive.

Finally, if none of the previous ideas sound good to you, you might try putting pen to paper.

If you’re a wordsmith like me, a personal, heartfelt poem expressing your true feelings for the one you love can be a touching sentiment. For instance:

Your love is like a cancer

Spreading through my heart

And whenever I do think of you

It makes me want to fart

And who wouldn’t be touched by that?

Well, maybe someone who’s taken out a restraining order.