5 “totally practical” steps to help reduce global warming

by Katy Kappele

Assuming that the hypothesis that CO₂ causes Global Warming is correct, here are a few ways to help cut back:

1. 1.       Suffocate.  Don’t look at me like that. Every time you breathe out you exhale huge clouds of carbon dioxide.  Stop breathing and you’ll fix that.
2. 2.       Don’t let anything decay.  Compost kills polar bears!  When organic matter rots, it lets off lots of CO₂, so bathe everything in formaldehyde and problem solved!
3. 3.       Drive an electric car.  Cars and buses emit CO₂ when they burn gasoline, so these options are out.  Bicycling makes you breathe harder and sweat more, releasing more of those noxious carbon dioxide fumes with every pump of the pedals.  So does walking.  And horses breathe too.  So, what’s left but electric cars like the Leaf?  Your electric car runs on electricity, which comes from nuclear power or from burning coal, so you’re golden!
4. 4.       Stop recycling! One truck versus two, right? If everything goes in the garbage truck, that’s less driving and therefore less emissions.
5. 5.       By all means, go ahead and emit all the water vapor you want.  Ask any meteorologist: the thermodynamic properties of water have nothing to do with atmospheric heating and cooling.  Look at clouds!  It’s not like they hold in heat or anything….

So this Earth Day you can feel good about saving the planet.  Just follow these simple and totally practical steps, and you will save the planet. Actually, all you really need is step one.  And it’s not like plants need CO₂ to breathe or anything.