By Apple Parry
This holiday season is upon us, folks. So grab your cocoa, sit back, and get critical. I picked five different movies that don’t have anything in common except for the time of year they were set in, and I rated them.
‘Elf’
Will Ferrell gave his most wholesome performance as Buddy the Elf in “Elf.” As far as Christmas movies go, this is the perfect balance between comedic and extravagant.
Without going totally over the top, this movie still hits all the marks of a feel-good show.
Early on, Buddy discovers he is adopted, and this is quite a shock to Buddy because he is delusional. So he heads out to find his dad.
While Buddy is navigating his way through New York, he gets hit by a car, demonstrates the proper way to go up an escalator, how to really make spaghetti, and teaches the youth how to win a snowball fight.
Rated G, this movie is perfect for watching with your entire family, especially if someone is adopted, and you need to find a way to tell them. — just send them to a worldwide crime hot-spot, alone, wearing an elf costume, and I think they’ll get the message.
I give this movie 10 out of 10 candy canes.
‘Love Actually’
If you haven’t seen “Love Actually,” you’ll be just fine.
With nine different story lines, this movie shows us how to actually love.
It stars Professor Snape, Nanny McPhee, the guy from “Taken,” and a bunch of other British people.
Take away a few scenes and the Christmas theme, and this movie could have been set at any time of the year.
Kirsten Parry, my mom, said, “The entire movie caters to the male ego” and “It’s annoying.” But if you like unnecessarily complicated and inappropriate movies, give this rom-com a watch.
I give this movie 9 out of 10 trash cans
‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’
The Christmas movie that basically raised me was Dr. Seuss’ “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”
We all know the story of how a bitter, former Who tried to ruin Christmas for the hopeful town folk, and how in the end, his heart grew three sizes.
But with the help of relatable teens, a new side of the Grinch was uncovered. When the Grinch ate glass and struggled to find something to wear, we all felt that.
Jim Carrey made a hashtag-relatable character. The only bad thing about this movie is how creepy the makeup and hair make the actors look.
If you’ve ever wanted to be inside a snowflake for an hour and 50 minutes, just head on down to Whoville. But don’t stay too long, the whole town revolves around Christmas, and that’s why the Grinch left in the first place.
I give this movie 38 out of 37 Who puddings.
‘The Princess Switch’
Netflix debuted their newest original this holiday season, “The Princess Switch,” and it is bad.
If you’ve ever wanted to see a Christmas version of “The Parent Trap,” just log onto Netflix and search this title.
Vanessa Hudgens, who plays both main roles, does not make a classy comeback.
Every plot point is overdone and, in 2018, is redundant. Hudgens’ British accent alone is reason enough to not watch this movie.
93 percent of Google users liked this movie, which means 93 percent of Google users are idiots.
There are reasons humans have the ability to imagine and create, and this isn’t one of them.
I give this movie a “multiply by zero” rating, because it will never be good.
‘Die Hard’
Bruce Willis stars as John McClane, “a hard man to kill,” in “Die Hard.”
When McClane flies to L.A. to visit family on Christmas Eve, everything goes terribly wrong. Alan Rickman, who plays the villain in this movie as well, takes McClane’s wife as a hostage.
McClane sneaks his way around the building unseen, like a badass, and breaks a lot of things. The film includes terrorists, elevator shafts, walkie talkies, and iconic one liners. There will always be controversy when it comes to whether this is a Christmas movie or not, but I think we can all agree It’s a nice break from literally any Hallmark movie.
I give this movie 1 out of 1 “yippee ki yays.”
Happy holidays to all, and to all a good quarter.
